Not long after the diagnosis of my grandma's leukemia...actually that same day...I began to feel loss. A few weeks earlier I hadn't even been thinking about my grandma passing away let alone having a terminal illness. I was sitting enjoying her company and her holding and playing with the foster kids that were living with us at that time. She had a smile so bright and she laughed and smiled at the 3 1/2 year old little girl as "The Princess" as we'd call her would twirl around and then run to show my grandma something or inquire about something in my Grandma's apartment. The joy that filled my heart watching her in these interactions was like the joy of a child on Christmas morning unwrapping gifts that they believe came from Santa. The loss I soon would begin to know only a few weeks later as we were told that she had weeks to months to live felt like my heart being ripped out from inside me.
This weekend I found some peace. I had been dwelling in such sadness over the loss of Grandma that I started to lose sight of the things that she taught me. I had wanted to hold on as hard as I could to every piece of her, whether it be clothing, jewelry, or even a blanket, that I started to forget what the stories were behind them and the true message she was giving me or had taught me that made those memories so special. I even began to lose communication with my husband. My life which had been going well and growing...or so I thought...prior to Grandma's diagnosis and death soon became a downward spiral. I know that life isn't all glitter and unicorns...but my life had become a wasteland of depression. I am sure my posts weekly might have even reflected that.
This weekend I realized that the best gift I can give to Grandma and in her memory will be not to sit and mope and wish she hadn't died. I can't change that it happened when and how it did. Rather, the greatest thing that I can do in her memory is start to pass on the legacy that she left behind for me. I can share her stories and the message behind it. I can pass it on.
My Grandma has been a part of a movement called Cursillo...something that Jeff and I have been a part of as well. I remember her one time saying how much she loved the song, "Pass it On." Today I sat and reread the lyrics and was struck when I read the verse that says, "I wish for you my friend, this happiness that I've found." It reminded me that my Grandma has found happiness. A happiness that I have yet to know but someday I hope to experience when I am reunited with God. I will always be sad that I lost my Grandma, but she helped form me to be the person I am today. In that way, she gave me the spark I needed to be the person I have become today. It's now my responsibility to pass it on.
What did my grandma give me? She gave the task of dreaming the impossible dream. Like from the musical, Man of La Mancha where Don Quixote spends his life trying to achieve the dream that everyone told him he was foolish for trying to, I too must not give up on my life, my dream, my call. Grandma fought for her little dreams but they were her greatest achievement yet. It's us. She always wanted to have a family. While she only ended up with one daughter, she had all of us Grandchildren by her side throughout life. She was never truly alone. She lived her life without wearing masks like we so often wear. She was true to her quest in life. She was bold, brash, and honest. While though all the days I spent with grandma throughout my 39 1/2 years of life taught me many lessons, I know that the greatest lessons I still have yet to learn from being her legacy.
I chose Pink Glitter this week as my color. Actually, my husband Jeff did. It's bright and full of little glitter pieces. He said it reminded him of something recently seen on Facebook...a picture that had a little child looking up to the heavens at night and the words printed below it said, " I like to look to the stars at night and believe that they are all the faces of the ones I love who have all gone to heaven, looking down and me." I know if this is true I can never ever be alone.
"Pink Glitter" from my personal collection,
but picked out by my husband, Jeff Murawski
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